complimenting judgement
one of the experiences i have been grateful to share with my toddler is his lack of concern for the judgement of others. he is not digging in the dirt because he thinks you will see him as strong, but because for some reason he truly enjoys it. he did not learn a new word to impress you but because he enjoys learning and expressing himself.
that being said, he also enjoys sharing these experiences. his best sharing comes when another person is going to engage in the same task he is focused on: “let’s vroom our cars!” his favorite part of potty training was the family song/dance that followed.
his full engagement and natural self-confidence has made me completely rethink the US cultural norm of praising our children. when he hears “you are so smart!” the moment becomes less about whatever he is doing and more about the judgement made by the person. it takes him out of the moment and into the judgmental mind of the adult where things are being categorized as smart or dumb, good or bad, right or wrong.
not only does it impair his ability to simply immerse himself in the moment, but it also makes an experience about his qualities or accomplishments in a way that suggests he should be proud instead of grateful. personally, i believe there are so many factors outside of personal control at all times (genetics, family background, country of origin, gender, etc) that gratitude is more reasonable than personal pride. shared pride is more honest than personal pride.
it is my goal for my child to live in a constant state of gratitude, for my child to be able to observe without judgement, for my child to experience fully…and i think withholding verbal judgements most times will help provide a more cultivating environment.
conversations with a two-year-old
“mama, why do you want to be a doctor?”
“because i want to help people be well.”
“ohhhh…” (disappointed face)
“you don’t want me to be a doctor?”
“no, i want you to be a mama.”
“my love, i will always be your mama; i will just also be a doctor mama.”
smiles and hugs.
parenting mantras
he is not doing something TO me. he is simply doing something.
cheerleader
conflicting opinions surround the level of praise we are adviced to give children. criticism often goes along the lines of: “everyone gets a trophy in little league these days but in life there are winners and there are losers.” or “bosses don’t care about hurt feelings and teachers shouldn’t either.” there are small truths to most perspectives and while they are expressed in different ways, they often aren’t as far apart as it first appears. i tend more toward lavishing praise on my child than others but i also value the ability to take criticism as well as possession of a clear sense of reality.
that being said, he is also an active participant in reality both as he experiences it and as those around him do. this morning as i was driving he told me the cushion on the arm rest of the car seat had come off. i tried the reach back while your eyes stay on the road approach and was not able to get it. soon after we came to a stop light and i could reach the cushion and fixed it for him.
“Yay!!!” he clapped. placing the cushion on the seat was not a challenging task for me, yet it was something he couldn’t do and something that he appreciated me for doing. his delight and praise made me feel good even though i knew it was the simplest of tasks. by praising him for accomplishments it not only instills an inner voice that is encouraging, but it reflects back to those around him as he encourages others.
there is a balance we all walk between knowing what reality exists and actively working to create the reality we want. i would prefer a reality in which we are all more encouraging of one another, in which our definitions of success and accomplishment are not so narrowly defined. celebrating small accomplishments is one way i will continue doing this.
“you must be the change you wish to see in the world.” mahatma ghandi
education & vaccines
as increasingly parents are choosing not to vaccinate their children according to the CDC’s recommendations, i have heard more and more complaints by others–some parents themselves, some not. the chief complaint being that not vaccinating one child puts other children at risk. it puts adults at risk. some of these individuals go so far as to say parents should be forced to fully vaccinate their children or face additional fines/punishments.
while i may not agree with that sentiment, i think the conversation is healthy. i just hope it is extended to other parts of society. such as education. when we remove our children from public schools and place them in exclusive, prestigious, incredibly expensive private schools are we not only thinking of our own child? is the child who does not get the boost private education can provide now at increased risk? do these decisions not affect society as it undermines the public school system?
herd immunity is an important concept and does not only relate to infectious diseases.
shape
as Q and i climbed on the jungle gym, i heard a little boy, about 3, point and shout, “trash!” he reached down to grab a snack wrapper and his mom tried to stop him. “you don’t need to pick up other people’s trash. they should have done that and it’s going to get your hands dirty.” he had already grabbed the wrapper, which looked clean, and was walking happily towards the garbage bin.
a child in florida (why is it always florida?) was recently told she needed to straighten or otherwise change her hairstyle because school administrators deemed her natural hair a “distraction.” this was the christian adults’ response to her mother’s concern about other children bullying the teenager about her hair.
we teach our children that the earth that sustains us is not worth getting our hands dirty and we hold no responsibility for the actions of others . we blame the victims of bullying for being bullied and then we wonder why this younger generation is so ____ (lazy and disrespectful are a couple i’ve frequently heard used).
as i watch little Q ask for more dirty clothes he can place in the hamper or rush to give someone a hug, i am becoming more convinced that my job is less about shaping him and more about maintaining the amazing little creature he already is. i hope i’m up to this incredible challenge.
disdain
week two. little man has cried 6 out of 7 dropoffs. mama pearl has cried about as many. unfortunately, today i didn’t make it out of the center before the tears fell. i was met with two responses, which seem to be the two i often see in situations requiring compassion from people who have themselves dealt with the issue at hand.
1: empathy. “it gets easier.” “it took me months to get used to this but i got there and you will too.” “let me go check on him and make sure he’s ok for you.”
2. disdain. “the reason he’s crying is because you brought him in at a bad time.” “he’s fine, it’s just you that needs to get over it.”
luckily, at this moment i was met with more empathy than disdain but what is it about people who have suffered that often makes them unfeeling towards those who later have to endure the same suffering? this daycare transition is more difficult than pumping in cramped, wet, smelly bathroom stalls. here’s to hoping it gets easier and soon.
best
at about a year-and-a-half, my son is amazing. the most affectionate child i’ve ever know, constantly blowing kisses and giving out smiles and hugs. he’s well attached and is generally comfortable meeting new people, young and old. until this past week he had only had one trip to the dr. for a cold. he runs and climbs and swims (with help) and tip toes and crawls and dances. he loves to use hand signs to signal when he wants more and when he’s done. his internal airplane detector is unmatched. he sleeps well and unless he’s teething or otherwise feeling a little off (only 3 more teeth to go!), he sleeps in his own crib for about 12 hours a night. food=mess but his favorite snacks for fresh green beans and apples and bananas and red pepper. depending on the day, he wants thai curry or frijoles negros or sushi or spaghetti.
enter daycare and the million fears that come with sharing your little boy with strangers. the little grubby hands of new friends with runny noses. the hurt and confusion as to why anyone, especially family members, wouldn’t want to spend their day with this amazing child. the tears you spill at the thought of those your son cried as you left him. the ripping of your heart in the direction of your baby, school, work, relationships. the guilt you try to logically brush aside when comments are made about the degradation of society because of “daycare kids”.
the determination of what is “best” is not simple and not clear. will my sweet boy lose his characteristic trait of affection now that he doesn’t have someone giving him kisses and hugs all day? will the opportunity i am able to provide through a physician’s salary later in life make up for the lack of opportunity now? will his curiosity and activeness be replaced by routine and order at this young age?
daycare
there is life as you imagine it will be. then there is life that you experience. i’m finding that the more responsibilities i have, the more often the two of those don’t exactly line up. maybe that’s called growing up. today that’s called 20% of our family’s income going towards putting my child where i don’t prefer him to be.
hours worked
when i am asked if i work full-time or part-time, i always answer part-time. i know that is a lie, but it answers the question they are asking: how many hours a week do you work at a real job? a job that pays, not caring for your own child. ironically, if it was a child not my own that would also count as work.
this week i crunched the numbers. on average, i spend 15 hours a week at “work”, 28 hours caring for an awake toddler alone, and another 30 hours co-parenting. with a full-time course load, it is estimated i should spend around 40 hours in my studies. there is a reason i feel like i’m grasping for something to hold onto, clawing my way up a muddy hill.
yet, when a professor or a future interviewer or application asks how many hours a week i work(ed) i am pretty positive they only want me to record 15. in a capitalistic society that views money as the goal and nucleus around which we orbit, it makes sense that the work of parents is somehow viewed the same as a hobby. the paycheck is the validation of a work’s merit.
ladarkpearl 